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| Auto industry sucks up to the president. |
| Posted: Tuesday, March 27, 2007 |
So, Big Auto is putting the squeeze on our president (George Bush), urging him to back incentives that would provide alternative fuels to accommodate the burgeoning fleet of "flex-fuel" cars on the road and in the works.
The alpha-humans behind General Motors, Ford and Chrysler would really like it if the president would simply expand access to biofuels with increased infrastructure courtesy of the government and fuel providers. That means we need the green-light from the president and about 20,000 additional pumps from the fuel providers.
So what did President Bush have to say about all this possible reduction of oil imports and environmental betterment?
Not much publicly, but he did concede that the three alt-fuel vehicles presented to him that day were "a major technological breakthrough for our country." These vehicles are designed to run on biodiesel or an ethanol (85 percent) and gasoline (15 percent) mix.
Now I suppose we must wait to see how much Bush will embrace the thought of breaking free from imported oil. How far will he go? I would love to see Bush snap and completely Gore-out with regard to biofuels and alternative energy sources, but I think he's being a very good boy with his recent actions.
Time is somewhat critical, though. If we get started now with the needed research and gain access to the necessary resources, who knows what we might be able to use as fuel.
Corn and french-fry oil is great and all, but a friend suggested creating an automobile fuel that is derived from human fat tissue. We would open a chain of trendy lipo-clinics with a semi-provocative name like "We Suck." Our team of "We Suck" clinicians would administer a sedative, perform perfect lipoplasty and then drive the client home with a free compression garment of their choice.
There could be "We Suck" stations all across the United States. There could be mini self-service "We Suck" booths in fast food and buffet-style restaurants. The phrase "All You Can Eat" will come to mean 27 super-clean miles per gallon. We could be the world leaders when it comes to extricating fat from our fat-saturated bodies and turning it into a useful eco-friendly fuel.
The great, gloppy tubs of adipose tissue would then be trucked over to a refining plant, or better yet, somehow directly delivered from the patient into the automobiles.
Look at yourself right now. Could you give to the cause? Check your wiggly abdomen. Examine your floppy bottom. Do your love handles have an ergonomic grip? Are you using all of those chins?
Before you continue to recoil in horror, imagine the possibilities if human fat could be converted to fuel. We would be a nation of slim healthy drivers. Sure, there would be those who wouldn't come out out of the clinics in A-1 great shape. There would be a chance of infection, skin necrosis, contour irregularities and oh gosh, lots of minor side effects that can accompany the more serious complications.
And yes, there may even be some morbidity, but that is the risk we are going to have to be willing to take if we want to look good while fostering an independence from fossil-fuels.
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